Long time no see?

I woke up today with this weird desire to write.

It’s my last day as a teenager today. I can’t decide if that’s a significant milestone in my life. But I guess it means I’ve grown up a little. What really changed over the past few years?

I moved to a different city. Alone.

My hair grew a couple of inches longer.

I stopped painting.

I like peanut butter now.

I have a new piercing.

I don’t wear glasses anymore.

I write in black ink.

The constants?

My wardrobe is predominantly black.

I like solitude.

I love retro music.

Still have minor OCD issues.

Still love sleeping all the time.

Love the cold. Love winter. Love December

And this is a really random unnecessary list.

Some day, maybe tomorrow, or a while after; I’ll read this and roll my eyes and laugh at how silly I was being. But honestly, it’s just the weather. The cold makes me a little numb and slightly less sane.

Okay. I’m going to build a cocoon with my blankets and hibernate now.

Such weird whim, this isn’t even called writing.

Almost there

Three years ago, I thought it would be a dream. It would start and I would breeze through the whole thing unscathed.

Three years after, bruised and sore and tired. I am almost there.


Growing up, I never thought or even considered studying medicine. History encyclopedias were my best friends and the only dream I had was to go to Egypt. But things rarely ever go as planned. After spending endless nights poring over microscopic organisms, problems on electricity and organic chemistry, almost joining a design school and then repeating everything for a year more, somehow, some odd twist of fate brought me here. And I think I am glad.

I still love the history encyclopedias and I still want to go to Egypt. But now, I might also get to save lives. Sometimes, the plans which go all wrong do ending up working right in the end. 

Rat Race

It was the summer of 2010. I was fresh out of high school and totally confused about what to do next; just like most of the kids my age. I had a general liking for all the subjects. None totally specific. But I thought I was more inclined towards art. And that of course, led to a huge debate about my future during every living room conversation at my home. Suggestions came from everywhere. From my aunt in Chennai to my dad's colleague whom I've never heard of. In short, it was frustrating.

Indecision is a hazardous state of mind. One where you can rip your head or somebody else's. It can be scary and highly irritating. But once the decision is made, its all okay. Even if that isn't the most agreeable one. I'd thought it over and finally decided to give science a shot. I chose Biology, Physics, Chemistry along with the compulsory English and Sanskrit. This was fine. But I didn't get to choose where to go to. And before I knew it, I was shipped to a human factory a.k.a coroporate junior college. I was thrilled.

Yes. That was sarcasm.

Anyway. Its no fun. When you see those colourful posters with beaming students, you will probably imagine that by joining a corporate college, you'll be one of them. When you step into the building for admission, everyone - right from the watchman to the Principal - will seem like the kindest people on Earth. It'll seem like their program is excellent and they'll take care of you, perfectly well. Suddenly you don't understand why that senior of yours warned you against these colleges; they obviously have all the things you need to be a proud rank holder.

And that is where so many kids like me get deceived.

You won't find a single fault in the whole programme created by the institute in week one. Then a few days into week two, the crammed corridors and perenially crowded washrooms and canteen begin to irritate you. And by week four, you would've already started sleeping in classes because of the amazingly comfortable timings. And at the end of the month, you realise how fantastic their tests are and what implications they hold. A score below 120 out of 160 is considered horrendously poor. The lecturers try to compete with light, speeding through their syllabus. And the unfortunate ones who fall behind, just simply give up and teach however they feel like. Oh and all of them have one mantra. If you don't understand something, just byheart (butti) it. Those who are smart (actually stupid later on) enough to follow this religiously can pull through, those who refuse; well they will end up like me. The mock tests decide which class you are in. And it doesn't matter whether you cheat, copy or text answers during the exam. If you have a score above 120, you are a freaking walking god/goddess. You are hailed to save the world with your amazing mock test score.

The unfortunate souls who choose to rebel and spend hours trying to actually make sense of the topics in the book fall back and start getting eaten away in the race. Test scores gradually fall down a sad parabola and you end up miserable. Here, the average student isn't given a chance to try. They are thrown into sections with teachers who love to have conversations with the board or the walls rather than students. And the principle is an eternal nut case who will do everything in his power to put you down. But still, its all okay. The real hearbreak is still ahead.

The Intermediate board Public Exam or IPE are funny exams. Although they have an official and hefty name, they are mostly farse. 70% chances are the questions asked over the past decade or 5 years will be repeated. So you technically know the question paper.You HAVE to stick to the points mentioned in the book. Any slight deviation will cost you dear. The practicals are literally a practical joke on the average student. The are totally rigged. The college bribes the external and the 'star' students get full marks even though they don't know the 'm' in microscope or 'd' in dissection while poor average kids who slog and learn it the hard way are very fairly given a less than deserving score. You can cheat in the boards oh-so-easily and if you get caught, chances are pretty high you can bribe your way out. Some centres have such liberal invigilators that Rs 2500 will buy you a ticket to copy from the nerd in the hall. And the result for the honest hard working kids? Heartbreak of course. You end up feeling extremely disappointed and later on you are filled with a rage right from the fiery pit of hell to shoot the callous education ministry and burn their remains along with the college.

And by the time the entrance exams to various institutes are looming ahead, most of the students are too tired and fed up to put up a strong fight. Its a losing battle anyway. End result : A rank which will get you no where or a promising year ahead to try again.

Its a rat race. There are too many rats and all of them bite. Some can cause the plague too. You will be pushed, thrown, kicked and slapped on your face or have your tail cut on the track. But in the end, no one cares how you come out as long as you win. No one bothers if the winner is the stupidest rat with a really good streak of luck or a badly bruised and half dead smart rat. Nothing matters as long as the winner makes it alive.

The dictionary comes up with a really good meaning for the word 'ratrace'. It is a term used for an endless, self defeating pursuit. It conjures up the image of the fultile efforts of a lab rat while running around in a maze or on a wheel. In an analogy to the modern city, many rats in a single maze expend a lot of effort running around, but ultimately achieve nothing, either collectively or individually. There couldn't be better words to summarise this two year ordeal.

I always thought i was the unfortunate, slow rat which tried but never made it. But now, I've realised something which was so obvious. I am not a rat. I don't have to run this race. I'm human. I will do something worthwile in life. Maybe not the mock tests, or the competitive entrances. But there sure is something really good waiting for me. Its been 702 days. To be very precise, 60,652,800 seconds. I've served my sentence and I'm out now. Not looking back. Ever.

I'm too happy to think of a title

Freedom! Finally. I never really knew what that felt like, as in the true sense of the word. But after a gruelling 2 year torture, i think i'm there now. Its probably as good as prison break! So to be exact. Its been 4 days and a couple of hours. And I just can't get enough of it. I mean yes, I still have a tiny corner at the back of my head worried silly about the results, but heck! 90% of my brain is just too happy to think too much about it. So I guess that's a good thing. The vacation started of pretty well I guess. At least compared to previous standards. I signed up for an aerobics class the minute i finished my last exam. Its all dance-y and nice. I'm not a dance person, but this is good. And when I sweat it out, I feel so accomplished! And I did dabble with some cooking and baking. Okay being completely honest. I got the taste right. The texture of the stuff I cooked, well it could use some work. But that's okay really. I mean not too bad for a person who didn't know where the spoons were in the kitchen the last two years.

While I was preparing for my last exam, I signed up at Pottermore during a break. And I got semi-addicted to it (I had to expect that from me!). Got sorted into Gryffindor. And I have a Phoenix core wand. Could anything get better than that! Plus, I have 460+ house points which i managed to score in between studying, writing exams, jumping around after they got over and entertaining my kid cousins. I think one of my summer resolutions is to try and score at least 100 house points a day. I need to work on Potions and I'm fairly good at duelling, so it shouldn't be too hard. 

So I have two endlessly long months of vacation ahead. I still have some more things to do. Some ideas for sketches, volunteering and playing veena again. Its been a really long 4 days and I love it. Every bit of it. The thought that I don't need to touch those depressing multiple choice questions and fat books filled with theory is so cheerful. Cheerful enough for me to stash them in a bookshelf and never look at them again. At least for now. 

So I guess that's that. I have some movies to watch and sunshine to catch up with. And I can't wait to fly!

The day I was left alone

Warning : This is a rant.

I don't know what I want to write here today. But I want to write. Its 10 pm. I've come back after a long day to an empty house and curd rice on the table for dinner when everybody is out somewhere, predictably having a good time.

On the brighter side, there's a box of chocolate with a few cubes left. I'm going to devour them and leave nothing for no one. Yep. Being selfish can feel good after a bad day.

Maybe its just the helplessness i feel at this point of time. Too little time. Too much to do. And dwindling levels of self confidence don't really help too much. Still, a tiny optimistic side of me says issokay. Everything works out fine in the end. Maybe it does. Only time can tell though.

And i also don't want the phone to ring every two minutes when i want to blog. Anyway. Doesn't seem like my day.

Right. I'm done cribbing :)

p.s. It feels good writing even though most of it is incoherent.

Of wet mud and sore feet

They say that good things take time. I just can't get these lyrics out of my head. The amazing smell of wet mud is in the air and I'm looking down at the freshly watered plants with a sense of pride. After two hours of hacking through the weeds, wrestling with the boa constrictor of a hose and getting my glasses and hair wet, the feeling of satisfaction is overwhelming.

Its been a really long day. I've shuttled between the two houses a hundred times. My feet are sore and my head hurts a little, but I can feel the sense of closure sinking in soon. I wonder how it managed to come that fast.. Maybe its the whole feeling of new-ness. I'm done with class XII and there is a lot of emotional baggage to leave behind. A new beginning is just what I need.

Sometimes, when these totally unexpected things just fit in place all of a sudden, I start believing in destiny and fate. This year especially. That belief somehow seems to get stronger with the passing day. Its been a heck of a start. Barely three months in, and i already have so many things going on. And boy do i need a break. Two days. Life altering amount of time. But what i need the most is a clean break. From the conflicting voices yelling in my head, from the old balcony that just leaves a tiny little hole open everytime I look out, and the icky old room with two doors that refuse to close.

They say that good things take time. But really great things happen in the blink of an eye. C-1, you're like sunshine after a stormy night.


P.S Miley Cyrus used to sing meaningful songs once upon a time.

A new balcony

We're moving. I kept repeating that over and over in my head. I was lying down on the black compound wall of the terrace staring at the birds. This was my spot. Right beside the water tank, overlooking my balcony. I was thinking of the innumerable times it had been my escape. A place i could run away to leaving the world behind. Tears, bliss, emptiness and laughter. It has seen it all. Where else could i have a piece of the night sky all for myself. It's gonna be hard leaving. It's just a house. And I am not going to choke up over this. I told myself firmly. But for the tiny emotional wreck I can be, those traitor tears came without warning. And before I knew it i was struggling to mop off a waterfall. It turned out to be just as impossible as it sounded. So I gave up and let them be. I definitely needed a moment.

What people say is true. We all resist change. I know I do. Atleast most of the times. But the funny thing about change is, its inevitable nearly all the time. And I suppose the best thing we can do is just go with the flow however hard it may be to let go of some things. I've said my good-byes now. To the radium stars on the ceiling of my old room, to the hideous chandelier that I don't want to see again, the stairs, and specially my old balcony. And to the memories; you guys are coming with me forever. :)

If life on earth is about getting adapted to the environment. I'm getting there. I'm on the floor of the new balcony, I have a different piece of the sky above me and the new stars are trying to be nice. This will be my home from tomorrow. I'm starting to resist a little lesser so i think I'll be fine soon. Though significantly tinier, I'm starting to love this corner. The railing is not too high, just perfect for prince charming to sneak in when rapunzel lets her hair down. Who knows. Maybe. Just maybe, this is where the fairytale comes true.