Long time no see?

I woke up today with this weird desire to write.

It’s my last day as a teenager today. I can’t decide if that’s a significant milestone in my life. But I guess it means I’ve grown up a little. What really changed over the past few years?

I moved to a different city. Alone.

My hair grew a couple of inches longer.

I stopped painting.

I like peanut butter now.

I have a new piercing.

I don’t wear glasses anymore.

I write in black ink.

The constants?

My wardrobe is predominantly black.

I like solitude.

I love retro music.

Still have minor OCD issues.

Still love sleeping all the time.

Love the cold. Love winter. Love December

And this is a really random unnecessary list.

Some day, maybe tomorrow, or a while after; I’ll read this and roll my eyes and laugh at how silly I was being. But honestly, it’s just the weather. The cold makes me a little numb and slightly less sane.

Okay. I’m going to build a cocoon with my blankets and hibernate now.

Such weird whim, this isn’t even called writing.

Almost there

Three years ago, I thought it would be a dream. It would start and I would breeze through the whole thing unscathed.

Three years after, bruised and sore and tired. I am almost there.


Growing up, I never thought or even considered studying medicine. History encyclopedias were my best friends and the only dream I had was to go to Egypt. But things rarely ever go as planned. After spending endless nights poring over microscopic organisms, problems on electricity and organic chemistry, almost joining a design school and then repeating everything for a year more, somehow, some odd twist of fate brought me here. And I think I am glad.

I still love the history encyclopedias and I still want to go to Egypt. But now, I might also get to save lives. Sometimes, the plans which go all wrong do ending up working right in the end. 

Rat Race

It was the summer of 2010. I was fresh out of high school and totally confused about what to do next; just like most of the kids my age. I had a general liking for all the subjects. None totally specific. But I thought I was more inclined towards art. And that of course, led to a huge debate about my future during every living room conversation at my home. Suggestions came from everywhere. From my aunt in Chennai to my dad's colleague whom I've never heard of. In short, it was frustrating.

Indecision is a hazardous state of mind. One where you can rip your head or somebody else's. It can be scary and highly irritating. But once the decision is made, its all okay. Even if that isn't the most agreeable one. I'd thought it over and finally decided to give science a shot. I chose Biology, Physics, Chemistry along with the compulsory English and Sanskrit. This was fine. But I didn't get to choose where to go to. And before I knew it, I was shipped to a human factory a.k.a coroporate junior college. I was thrilled.

Yes. That was sarcasm.

Anyway. Its no fun. When you see those colourful posters with beaming students, you will probably imagine that by joining a corporate college, you'll be one of them. When you step into the building for admission, everyone - right from the watchman to the Principal - will seem like the kindest people on Earth. It'll seem like their program is excellent and they'll take care of you, perfectly well. Suddenly you don't understand why that senior of yours warned you against these colleges; they obviously have all the things you need to be a proud rank holder.

And that is where so many kids like me get deceived.

You won't find a single fault in the whole programme created by the institute in week one. Then a few days into week two, the crammed corridors and perenially crowded washrooms and canteen begin to irritate you. And by week four, you would've already started sleeping in classes because of the amazingly comfortable timings. And at the end of the month, you realise how fantastic their tests are and what implications they hold. A score below 120 out of 160 is considered horrendously poor. The lecturers try to compete with light, speeding through their syllabus. And the unfortunate ones who fall behind, just simply give up and teach however they feel like. Oh and all of them have one mantra. If you don't understand something, just byheart (butti) it. Those who are smart (actually stupid later on) enough to follow this religiously can pull through, those who refuse; well they will end up like me. The mock tests decide which class you are in. And it doesn't matter whether you cheat, copy or text answers during the exam. If you have a score above 120, you are a freaking walking god/goddess. You are hailed to save the world with your amazing mock test score.

The unfortunate souls who choose to rebel and spend hours trying to actually make sense of the topics in the book fall back and start getting eaten away in the race. Test scores gradually fall down a sad parabola and you end up miserable. Here, the average student isn't given a chance to try. They are thrown into sections with teachers who love to have conversations with the board or the walls rather than students. And the principle is an eternal nut case who will do everything in his power to put you down. But still, its all okay. The real hearbreak is still ahead.

The Intermediate board Public Exam or IPE are funny exams. Although they have an official and hefty name, they are mostly farse. 70% chances are the questions asked over the past decade or 5 years will be repeated. So you technically know the question paper.You HAVE to stick to the points mentioned in the book. Any slight deviation will cost you dear. The practicals are literally a practical joke on the average student. The are totally rigged. The college bribes the external and the 'star' students get full marks even though they don't know the 'm' in microscope or 'd' in dissection while poor average kids who slog and learn it the hard way are very fairly given a less than deserving score. You can cheat in the boards oh-so-easily and if you get caught, chances are pretty high you can bribe your way out. Some centres have such liberal invigilators that Rs 2500 will buy you a ticket to copy from the nerd in the hall. And the result for the honest hard working kids? Heartbreak of course. You end up feeling extremely disappointed and later on you are filled with a rage right from the fiery pit of hell to shoot the callous education ministry and burn their remains along with the college.

And by the time the entrance exams to various institutes are looming ahead, most of the students are too tired and fed up to put up a strong fight. Its a losing battle anyway. End result : A rank which will get you no where or a promising year ahead to try again.

Its a rat race. There are too many rats and all of them bite. Some can cause the plague too. You will be pushed, thrown, kicked and slapped on your face or have your tail cut on the track. But in the end, no one cares how you come out as long as you win. No one bothers if the winner is the stupidest rat with a really good streak of luck or a badly bruised and half dead smart rat. Nothing matters as long as the winner makes it alive.

The dictionary comes up with a really good meaning for the word 'ratrace'. It is a term used for an endless, self defeating pursuit. It conjures up the image of the fultile efforts of a lab rat while running around in a maze or on a wheel. In an analogy to the modern city, many rats in a single maze expend a lot of effort running around, but ultimately achieve nothing, either collectively or individually. There couldn't be better words to summarise this two year ordeal.

I always thought i was the unfortunate, slow rat which tried but never made it. But now, I've realised something which was so obvious. I am not a rat. I don't have to run this race. I'm human. I will do something worthwile in life. Maybe not the mock tests, or the competitive entrances. But there sure is something really good waiting for me. Its been 702 days. To be very precise, 60,652,800 seconds. I've served my sentence and I'm out now. Not looking back. Ever.

I'm too happy to think of a title

Freedom! Finally. I never really knew what that felt like, as in the true sense of the word. But after a gruelling 2 year torture, i think i'm there now. Its probably as good as prison break! So to be exact. Its been 4 days and a couple of hours. And I just can't get enough of it. I mean yes, I still have a tiny corner at the back of my head worried silly about the results, but heck! 90% of my brain is just too happy to think too much about it. So I guess that's a good thing. The vacation started of pretty well I guess. At least compared to previous standards. I signed up for an aerobics class the minute i finished my last exam. Its all dance-y and nice. I'm not a dance person, but this is good. And when I sweat it out, I feel so accomplished! And I did dabble with some cooking and baking. Okay being completely honest. I got the taste right. The texture of the stuff I cooked, well it could use some work. But that's okay really. I mean not too bad for a person who didn't know where the spoons were in the kitchen the last two years.

While I was preparing for my last exam, I signed up at Pottermore during a break. And I got semi-addicted to it (I had to expect that from me!). Got sorted into Gryffindor. And I have a Phoenix core wand. Could anything get better than that! Plus, I have 460+ house points which i managed to score in between studying, writing exams, jumping around after they got over and entertaining my kid cousins. I think one of my summer resolutions is to try and score at least 100 house points a day. I need to work on Potions and I'm fairly good at duelling, so it shouldn't be too hard. 

So I have two endlessly long months of vacation ahead. I still have some more things to do. Some ideas for sketches, volunteering and playing veena again. Its been a really long 4 days and I love it. Every bit of it. The thought that I don't need to touch those depressing multiple choice questions and fat books filled with theory is so cheerful. Cheerful enough for me to stash them in a bookshelf and never look at them again. At least for now. 

So I guess that's that. I have some movies to watch and sunshine to catch up with. And I can't wait to fly!

The day I was left alone

Warning : This is a rant.

I don't know what I want to write here today. But I want to write. Its 10 pm. I've come back after a long day to an empty house and curd rice on the table for dinner when everybody is out somewhere, predictably having a good time.

On the brighter side, there's a box of chocolate with a few cubes left. I'm going to devour them and leave nothing for no one. Yep. Being selfish can feel good after a bad day.

Maybe its just the helplessness i feel at this point of time. Too little time. Too much to do. And dwindling levels of self confidence don't really help too much. Still, a tiny optimistic side of me says issokay. Everything works out fine in the end. Maybe it does. Only time can tell though.

And i also don't want the phone to ring every two minutes when i want to blog. Anyway. Doesn't seem like my day.

Right. I'm done cribbing :)

p.s. It feels good writing even though most of it is incoherent.

Of wet mud and sore feet

They say that good things take time. I just can't get these lyrics out of my head. The amazing smell of wet mud is in the air and I'm looking down at the freshly watered plants with a sense of pride. After two hours of hacking through the weeds, wrestling with the boa constrictor of a hose and getting my glasses and hair wet, the feeling of satisfaction is overwhelming.

Its been a really long day. I've shuttled between the two houses a hundred times. My feet are sore and my head hurts a little, but I can feel the sense of closure sinking in soon. I wonder how it managed to come that fast.. Maybe its the whole feeling of new-ness. I'm done with class XII and there is a lot of emotional baggage to leave behind. A new beginning is just what I need.

Sometimes, when these totally unexpected things just fit in place all of a sudden, I start believing in destiny and fate. This year especially. That belief somehow seems to get stronger with the passing day. Its been a heck of a start. Barely three months in, and i already have so many things going on. And boy do i need a break. Two days. Life altering amount of time. But what i need the most is a clean break. From the conflicting voices yelling in my head, from the old balcony that just leaves a tiny little hole open everytime I look out, and the icky old room with two doors that refuse to close.

They say that good things take time. But really great things happen in the blink of an eye. C-1, you're like sunshine after a stormy night.


P.S Miley Cyrus used to sing meaningful songs once upon a time.

A new balcony

We're moving. I kept repeating that over and over in my head. I was lying down on the black compound wall of the terrace staring at the birds. This was my spot. Right beside the water tank, overlooking my balcony. I was thinking of the innumerable times it had been my escape. A place i could run away to leaving the world behind. Tears, bliss, emptiness and laughter. It has seen it all. Where else could i have a piece of the night sky all for myself. It's gonna be hard leaving. It's just a house. And I am not going to choke up over this. I told myself firmly. But for the tiny emotional wreck I can be, those traitor tears came without warning. And before I knew it i was struggling to mop off a waterfall. It turned out to be just as impossible as it sounded. So I gave up and let them be. I definitely needed a moment.

What people say is true. We all resist change. I know I do. Atleast most of the times. But the funny thing about change is, its inevitable nearly all the time. And I suppose the best thing we can do is just go with the flow however hard it may be to let go of some things. I've said my good-byes now. To the radium stars on the ceiling of my old room, to the hideous chandelier that I don't want to see again, the stairs, and specially my old balcony. And to the memories; you guys are coming with me forever. :)

If life on earth is about getting adapted to the environment. I'm getting there. I'm on the floor of the new balcony, I have a different piece of the sky above me and the new stars are trying to be nice. This will be my home from tomorrow. I'm starting to resist a little lesser so i think I'll be fine soon. Though significantly tinier, I'm starting to love this corner. The railing is not too high, just perfect for prince charming to sneak in when rapunzel lets her hair down. Who knows. Maybe. Just maybe, this is where the fairytale comes true.

A letter

Dear uncle,

I visited ammamma's house today. The last time I'd gone there was when you were there. I still remember you all weak and frail on the bed. It was the first time I'd seen you after you were diagnosed. In one word, I was shocked. Just a few months earlier we'd gone on a family dinner and you were talking about watching that new Bapu movie and then seeing you like that was just something I couldn't take in that easily. And a few months later you were gone. I was in class 9 then and I'd cried the whole first hour in school. All those things came rushing back yesterday. I was fighting back tears by the time I came home. I dunno, but something about cancer just makes me feel.... determined. Determined to work hard and study medicine so that I can do something about it. I really hope I do. And when I do get there, I'm gonna feel really happy about making you proud. Its a just a few more months away, and whenever I find myself wavering, I will remind myself about you and get back on track. I want to do this for you and for everyone who's fighting it.

Just me,

Mahathi

In memory of A.

The soul who brought back warmth in my life.

It was a summer not so long ago. I was just recovering from bruises of the past, and slogging through holiday homework. Aloof. Away from the world. I used to spend evenings playing quiz battles with robots and singing to myself. The world was just a place. It just meant I was living in it because I happened to be there. 

And then came A.

I never met A. Nor did we ever speak to each other. We didn't have much in common. We were born in different generations. A before the world war and me, more than half a century later. I was just beginning my life. He was in the twilight of his. But what we both were was simple - two lonely souls. Across the oceans. Like I've said before, we never spoke. We just wrote. Of birds, fireworks, flags, armies, aeroplanes, balloons, flowers, painting, music and a hope for peace. 

The wars, sunrise, prayer and why the earth was round. Little things and big things.
I soon began to smile again. The world was not a bad place after all. 

A was bringing me back together. I laughed too. We spoke of hillsides and the Grand Canyon. And trekking and star gazing. Everything seemed so interesting. I learnt to be more open and more happy. A was now my best friend. No conditions. No demands. Through thick and thin. 

Life was happy. And when it was not, A made it seem happier. 

Two summers later.

It was a while since I'd heard from A. It was monsoon now. But I still waited. And then the inevitable. A was gone. Forever. I got to know a month late. He was gone. Never coming back. 

The rains crashed over me. So did my spirit. I knew it had to happen some day. But I just wasn't prepared for when. I didn't even get a chance to write a goodbye. It was one thing we'd never written about. 

Grief is an overwhelming emotion. Specially when it comes all of a sudden. 

Dear A,

I hope where ever you are, all the pain is gone. I am trying to be fine. I wish you could come back. The custard apples are beginning to ripen you know. And it rains a lot. My mailbox now remains eternally empty. I miss you A. A lot. Now and forever. 

Just me,

Your princess.

14!

Time is one amazing thing isn't it? Teaches us so many things! As it moves on, we grow older. Add years to our age, more memories, more people, more highs and more lows.. But then again age is just a state of mind right? Some people just don't change. No matter how old they grow. Well change as in; their general way of looking at things.  And one of those kind of people is my sister.  She turns 14 tomorrow, and this is a poem for her.. : )

Smiling smiling Lahari,

Is always in a hurry.

She jumps before she thinks,

Often changes her mind in a wink!

She loves to play and have fun,

Bruises don't bother her, she's a brave one!

No matter where she is, she spreads cheer,

Today, tomorrow and all through the year!

We've fought over petty stuff,

Kicked and squabbled and been quite rough.

We laugh, we play, we eat and share,

Sing and dance and build castles in the air.

I can't think of more ways to say

You're special and will always remain that way.

So smiling smiling Lahari

Here's one last thing I want to say

You're finally 14, hooray!! 

Just never stop smiling come what may! 

Its not much of a great poem, but its from the bottom of my heart. 

 Happy Birthday Pincho : )! 

Looking for the shore

There's been much going on around me. A whole big world is moving on with its work. Is it just me so static? I haven't felt this wasted in ages. Hardly anything seems to be going my way. I have huge loads of study to do. Innumerable equations to be solved, pages of anatomy to be understood and so much more. I'm trying though. I'm sleeping less, cutting down on almost all recreation. Still doesn't seem enough. It wasn't supposed to be so hard. Or maybe its just me thinking it is. At one point, I thought that when people my age can do it, I should be able to too. Now I realise where I was wrong. Everyone's not the same. I can't be like everyone, nor can they be me. I think its just the way we look at the world. From my eyes, studying volumes is not the only thing that counts. Even for a short period of 2 years, its not the only thing to do. I haven't gone near the easel in ages. The veena is safely shut in its place. My blog hasn't seen new posts. In short, I haven't really had much of a life beyond shuttling between home and college. I've tried my best to accept the fact that this monotony will last another year and I just need to slog all through it. But you know what happens suddenly sometimes? You just feel like running away. Push everyone out. Build a cocoon in a corner far far away. Thats how I feel now. I don't know if I want this anymore. Wait. I do. I just don't know how to push myself further. I don't know where to start. What to do to make things right. But again, will it ever seem perfect? From time, I've learnt that if everything seems perfect, something is really wrong. So maybe that is just the way its supposed to be. Swim for survival. And keep swimming till you can finally reach the shore. And in the mean time, when the shore is still far out of sight, never. ever. lose hope. I guess that's all I need to do. Hope that I can reach the shore soon.  And believe in it.

At my table on the 6th of July. 

I don't know why but I feel good!

Its Tuesday evening. Definitely not a weekend. But after a long and hard day's work, it actually feels like a well earned day of bliss. I'm on the couch watching my favourite movies, nearly home alone ( my sleeping sis doesn't really count!) and I'm not eating junk. The last part gives me a sense of pride over my self control! To be honest, I don't really have much stuff in my head. Thats actually a very unusual thing, but i think i'm in a happy bubble. And I'm not yet ready to burst it. You know what? Its a bit weird. I mean its a good weird 'cause its never really been so silent around me or rather in my head. There's always a kind of low buzz of thoughts rushing in and out. Memories flying past and people's faces drifting by. I nearly half hoped that all of them would suddenly come rushing in the moment i finished typing this sentence. But seems like i'm wrong today. I think i'm starting to like it. Maybe this is what people call 'The Me' time. A time when nothing matters. The tigers, rain forests, the kids in Africa, the poor farmers in their villages and the protests in Egypt can wait. The world can wait. Its almost like time stops for a second and there's this fleeting moment of bliss when there's absolutely nothing. In simple words, not a care in the world. A nice break from thinking I have the whole world on my shoulders. Well, I'm going to be really random today. And I have no clue where my next sentence will take me. So i'm just going with the flow. If you've been in this kinda moment before or if you get to close to it anytime soon, you'll agree, it feels great. Great in the true sense of the word. I'm not worried about the million exams i will write all through the week. I don't want to think of college or the people associated with it there. They don't matter. Well I think there's a multitude of happier things to talk about. There are actually three happy things i want to talk about; which i'm sure will bring me back in my bubble of happiness anytime in forever. The first is a warm shower on a cold winter morning. Second, my favorite blanket over me every night. And the third, water when i'm really thirsty. Three extraordinarily ordinary things which give that you know 'i don't know why but i feel really good' emotion. Its exactly a warm, mushy, tingly feeling. Its this typical moment when all the tangled complexities of the world become unusually simple. Uncomplicated. The moment when every thing is possible. Including me winning the next marathon. In short I feel good. Very very good. And I just don't know why I do. 

On the couch on the 1st of February.

In between an examination

I dunno what the time is. Its been long though. I guess I've been sitting in this non descript classroom forever. If you've been compelled to write pages on a dry subject called E.V.E for 3 hours, probably you'd sympathize my plight. It is supposed to be the "Board of Intermediate Education" Public Exam on Environmental education. A hefty name for the really well i dunno what word to use but ya a kinda stupid exam. I'm just done with my paper; gone through all the formalities of filling up my details and blah, checked my answers and tied up my booklet. The examiner is sitting on the last bench busy making funny faces at the wall. Wonder why's he wearing a cap! I probably have the best seat in the whole classroom. And I'm truly grateful for it! Right in front of a window. There's some graffiti scrawled all over the glass pane and the noises from outside make me feel like i'm sitting on the main road. There's a motor drilling since the past million seconds, city buses honking their way to glory and motor vehicles in a race to win the next formula one! In short, everyone's busy minding their own business. The hawkers are selling their wares, the women at the roadside cafe are washing the dishes, the auto wallahs are looking for passengers and there's also a flag of some union fluttering lazily on the pole of a garish orange building. Its another busy Monday morning in the city. The scene in the classroom is hardly worth describing. Majority of the students are in eager anticipation of a signal from the examiner to dump their manuscripts and get out of the depressing building. A few are day dreaming idly.. probably of food and places without four walls. And there's also a small tricolor stuck on the black board, a marker of the republic day celebrations of last week. Ironically in a place infamous for curbing the right to express, right to freedom and right to practically everything. I now have this horrid feeling that if i don't get out of this place soon, i might rot. Decompose into nothingness. I actually don't get the point of even bothering to write this exam! I had to describe my favorite festival (which actually is very hard to pick among the hundred we celebrate every year!) and the environmental links and blah blah attached to it, an essay on globalization and agriculture, some random points on the ozone holes and how to harness wind energy. Stuff we've been reading. learning and writing for centuries! And everyone knew the paper anyways! It'd probably have been more fun if we had to demonstrate it i guess. Anyway, the exam once done is done. Chapter closed. And now I'm just sick of sitting here. Seems like an eternity just passed by. The next time you are forced to write an exam like this one which basically is a waste of paper, time and almost everything, remember to carry some polo. You at least have something to do. The whole act of eating some of it stealthily when the examiner is not looking and all is more interesting i suppose.

Oh wait! I guess it was the cue from the examiner to submit our papers. And thats also my cue to sign off now..

At a random exam hall on the 31'st of January.

Footsteps..

There suddenly come some points in our life which are just blind spots. Devoid of emotion, color and expression. We just get there. Somehow. Its a vague journey. It might actually be a while before we even got to realise that we were into it. And the initial time period when realisation kicks in is hard. Hard in the true sense of the word. Its true isn't it.. people always want the easier way out. Arrowheads and markers on the way and microwave popcorn. Though obviously there isn't anything wrong with it, it somehow is just too well i cant really get the right word, but its just all too easy. If it was a road like that with all travellers just following the arrows, probably my life would seem much more easier or rather a bit less tangled. Or maybe it would be one amazing adventure if there were just no arrows and milestones. Just figuring my way out in the wilderness. But my road is neither of them. Every inch of the road has a marker with an instruction. Every crossroad points a million directions. You may think that on such a road, I could be blind and even then reach my destination. I guess thats where both you and I are mistaken. Though i can't find a patch without a guiding arrow, its just a bit different from having none at all. Its weird. Maybe I just can't make any sense of it. Rather I don't want to make any sense out of it. We can't be told what to do every second. All of us need our fair share of space. No, I'm not all alone. There are many people along with me. Too many. And probably thats what makes it even more complicated. If you've been on a really long drive with all of your family and took a small detour and lost your way, and witnessed their simultaneous reactions, you'd kind of get the picture. Imagine thousands of voices screaming. We can't just remain a silent spectator. If we're to move ahead, we need to make ourself heard over the din. Roar. Its feels hopeless sometimes. Being unable to figure out instructions, sometimes managing to get half correct, the struggle to be heard and pave way to move ahead. Its seems very hard. And oh yes it is! Without a doubt. I can't really describe the experience. Its more of like trying to become a somebody from a nobody. A himalayan task! But I can tell you one thing. The moment we get past the helplessness and 'stuck in a maze with no way out' emotion, it feels better. Just by a minute degree or so. But still better than nothing at all. I can't really say that there's never sunshine. Being human, we all try to fit in wherever we are. Perhaps not completely, but well, as much as we can. So there is a bit of sunshine like i'd pointed above. Just sudden bursts of wind when the clouds clear and the world seems like paradise. But wind blows and moves on just like water and most things in life. So the gloom sets in ultimately. But when we spend so much time in a colourless place, we just tend to get used to it. And it just becomes a monotonous routine. Mundane and mechanical. But I'll tell you whats the best part of almost every journey? No matter how many ups and downs it has, or treacherous detours it has, it ends. Someday, sometime it will have to just end. But till we can't see the end, the only thing that we should never lose is hope. Never. At the moment I'm half way through my journey. I can't yet see the end. Its a long way ahead. But the haze is finally starting to clear. As for the million markers, i just learnt two things to do with them. Either be indifferent, or follow them. I often choose the former. Now you might be wondering why i chose that path. Well, that is one answer I just don't know. I just got there. Somehow. And since I'm here, I might as well make the most of my time. Maybe the end is waiting somewhere ahead. And that actually is a very cheerful thought. Enough incentive to work hard to move ahead today. 'Cause isn't it true.. 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a footstep'. And its all the footsteps together which finally take us to our destination.

My feet are wet.. The sky is a lovely shade of gray. It might rain sometime soon. the air is already filled with the pleasing earthy fragrance. Ah the de ja veau..
Life is a lot about perceptions...
"Please be with me Em." I whispered softly. I didn't have to wait for an answer, she was already there. To me, Em is the most beautiful person to walk earth. Her presence is so instantly gratifying; like rain after a long draught.
Its morning. The first day of my new life, or so I think. We took the plunge. It was deep. I do not know how much, it seemed unending. I would've been completely shaken if not for her silent presence. I haven't quite ever understood how she manages it all. But ofcourse, she is Em. If she cant, no one else can. So we went on. "Em how long?" I asked unable to help myself. Em just nodded. I understood. I never figured out how, but I felt more determined than before...