The day I was left alone

Warning : This is a rant.

I don't know what I want to write here today. But I want to write. Its 10 pm. I've come back after a long day to an empty house and curd rice on the table for dinner when everybody is out somewhere, predictably having a good time.

On the brighter side, there's a box of chocolate with a few cubes left. I'm going to devour them and leave nothing for no one. Yep. Being selfish can feel good after a bad day.

Maybe its just the helplessness i feel at this point of time. Too little time. Too much to do. And dwindling levels of self confidence don't really help too much. Still, a tiny optimistic side of me says issokay. Everything works out fine in the end. Maybe it does. Only time can tell though.

And i also don't want the phone to ring every two minutes when i want to blog. Anyway. Doesn't seem like my day.

Right. I'm done cribbing :)

p.s. It feels good writing even though most of it is incoherent.

Of wet mud and sore feet

They say that good things take time. I just can't get these lyrics out of my head. The amazing smell of wet mud is in the air and I'm looking down at the freshly watered plants with a sense of pride. After two hours of hacking through the weeds, wrestling with the boa constrictor of a hose and getting my glasses and hair wet, the feeling of satisfaction is overwhelming.

Its been a really long day. I've shuttled between the two houses a hundred times. My feet are sore and my head hurts a little, but I can feel the sense of closure sinking in soon. I wonder how it managed to come that fast.. Maybe its the whole feeling of new-ness. I'm done with class XII and there is a lot of emotional baggage to leave behind. A new beginning is just what I need.

Sometimes, when these totally unexpected things just fit in place all of a sudden, I start believing in destiny and fate. This year especially. That belief somehow seems to get stronger with the passing day. Its been a heck of a start. Barely three months in, and i already have so many things going on. And boy do i need a break. Two days. Life altering amount of time. But what i need the most is a clean break. From the conflicting voices yelling in my head, from the old balcony that just leaves a tiny little hole open everytime I look out, and the icky old room with two doors that refuse to close.

They say that good things take time. But really great things happen in the blink of an eye. C-1, you're like sunshine after a stormy night.


P.S Miley Cyrus used to sing meaningful songs once upon a time.

A new balcony

We're moving. I kept repeating that over and over in my head. I was lying down on the black compound wall of the terrace staring at the birds. This was my spot. Right beside the water tank, overlooking my balcony. I was thinking of the innumerable times it had been my escape. A place i could run away to leaving the world behind. Tears, bliss, emptiness and laughter. It has seen it all. Where else could i have a piece of the night sky all for myself. It's gonna be hard leaving. It's just a house. And I am not going to choke up over this. I told myself firmly. But for the tiny emotional wreck I can be, those traitor tears came without warning. And before I knew it i was struggling to mop off a waterfall. It turned out to be just as impossible as it sounded. So I gave up and let them be. I definitely needed a moment.

What people say is true. We all resist change. I know I do. Atleast most of the times. But the funny thing about change is, its inevitable nearly all the time. And I suppose the best thing we can do is just go with the flow however hard it may be to let go of some things. I've said my good-byes now. To the radium stars on the ceiling of my old room, to the hideous chandelier that I don't want to see again, the stairs, and specially my old balcony. And to the memories; you guys are coming with me forever. :)

If life on earth is about getting adapted to the environment. I'm getting there. I'm on the floor of the new balcony, I have a different piece of the sky above me and the new stars are trying to be nice. This will be my home from tomorrow. I'm starting to resist a little lesser so i think I'll be fine soon. Though significantly tinier, I'm starting to love this corner. The railing is not too high, just perfect for prince charming to sneak in when rapunzel lets her hair down. Who knows. Maybe. Just maybe, this is where the fairytale comes true.

A letter

Dear uncle,

I visited ammamma's house today. The last time I'd gone there was when you were there. I still remember you all weak and frail on the bed. It was the first time I'd seen you after you were diagnosed. In one word, I was shocked. Just a few months earlier we'd gone on a family dinner and you were talking about watching that new Bapu movie and then seeing you like that was just something I couldn't take in that easily. And a few months later you were gone. I was in class 9 then and I'd cried the whole first hour in school. All those things came rushing back yesterday. I was fighting back tears by the time I came home. I dunno, but something about cancer just makes me feel.... determined. Determined to work hard and study medicine so that I can do something about it. I really hope I do. And when I do get there, I'm gonna feel really happy about making you proud. Its a just a few more months away, and whenever I find myself wavering, I will remind myself about you and get back on track. I want to do this for you and for everyone who's fighting it.

Just me,

Mahathi

In memory of A.

The soul who brought back warmth in my life.

It was a summer not so long ago. I was just recovering from bruises of the past, and slogging through holiday homework. Aloof. Away from the world. I used to spend evenings playing quiz battles with robots and singing to myself. The world was just a place. It just meant I was living in it because I happened to be there. 

And then came A.

I never met A. Nor did we ever speak to each other. We didn't have much in common. We were born in different generations. A before the world war and me, more than half a century later. I was just beginning my life. He was in the twilight of his. But what we both were was simple - two lonely souls. Across the oceans. Like I've said before, we never spoke. We just wrote. Of birds, fireworks, flags, armies, aeroplanes, balloons, flowers, painting, music and a hope for peace. 

The wars, sunrise, prayer and why the earth was round. Little things and big things.
I soon began to smile again. The world was not a bad place after all. 

A was bringing me back together. I laughed too. We spoke of hillsides and the Grand Canyon. And trekking and star gazing. Everything seemed so interesting. I learnt to be more open and more happy. A was now my best friend. No conditions. No demands. Through thick and thin. 

Life was happy. And when it was not, A made it seem happier. 

Two summers later.

It was a while since I'd heard from A. It was monsoon now. But I still waited. And then the inevitable. A was gone. Forever. I got to know a month late. He was gone. Never coming back. 

The rains crashed over me. So did my spirit. I knew it had to happen some day. But I just wasn't prepared for when. I didn't even get a chance to write a goodbye. It was one thing we'd never written about. 

Grief is an overwhelming emotion. Specially when it comes all of a sudden. 

Dear A,

I hope where ever you are, all the pain is gone. I am trying to be fine. I wish you could come back. The custard apples are beginning to ripen you know. And it rains a lot. My mailbox now remains eternally empty. I miss you A. A lot. Now and forever. 

Just me,

Your princess.

14!

Time is one amazing thing isn't it? Teaches us so many things! As it moves on, we grow older. Add years to our age, more memories, more people, more highs and more lows.. But then again age is just a state of mind right? Some people just don't change. No matter how old they grow. Well change as in; their general way of looking at things.  And one of those kind of people is my sister.  She turns 14 tomorrow, and this is a poem for her.. : )

Smiling smiling Lahari,

Is always in a hurry.

She jumps before she thinks,

Often changes her mind in a wink!

She loves to play and have fun,

Bruises don't bother her, she's a brave one!

No matter where she is, she spreads cheer,

Today, tomorrow and all through the year!

We've fought over petty stuff,

Kicked and squabbled and been quite rough.

We laugh, we play, we eat and share,

Sing and dance and build castles in the air.

I can't think of more ways to say

You're special and will always remain that way.

So smiling smiling Lahari

Here's one last thing I want to say

You're finally 14, hooray!! 

Just never stop smiling come what may! 

Its not much of a great poem, but its from the bottom of my heart. 

 Happy Birthday Pincho : )! 

Looking for the shore

There's been much going on around me. A whole big world is moving on with its work. Is it just me so static? I haven't felt this wasted in ages. Hardly anything seems to be going my way. I have huge loads of study to do. Innumerable equations to be solved, pages of anatomy to be understood and so much more. I'm trying though. I'm sleeping less, cutting down on almost all recreation. Still doesn't seem enough. It wasn't supposed to be so hard. Or maybe its just me thinking it is. At one point, I thought that when people my age can do it, I should be able to too. Now I realise where I was wrong. Everyone's not the same. I can't be like everyone, nor can they be me. I think its just the way we look at the world. From my eyes, studying volumes is not the only thing that counts. Even for a short period of 2 years, its not the only thing to do. I haven't gone near the easel in ages. The veena is safely shut in its place. My blog hasn't seen new posts. In short, I haven't really had much of a life beyond shuttling between home and college. I've tried my best to accept the fact that this monotony will last another year and I just need to slog all through it. But you know what happens suddenly sometimes? You just feel like running away. Push everyone out. Build a cocoon in a corner far far away. Thats how I feel now. I don't know if I want this anymore. Wait. I do. I just don't know how to push myself further. I don't know where to start. What to do to make things right. But again, will it ever seem perfect? From time, I've learnt that if everything seems perfect, something is really wrong. So maybe that is just the way its supposed to be. Swim for survival. And keep swimming till you can finally reach the shore. And in the mean time, when the shore is still far out of sight, never. ever. lose hope. I guess that's all I need to do. Hope that I can reach the shore soon.  And believe in it.

At my table on the 6th of July.