In memory of A.

The soul who brought back warmth in my life.

It was a summer not so long ago. I was just recovering from bruises of the past, and slogging through holiday homework. Aloof. Away from the world. I used to spend evenings playing quiz battles with robots and singing to myself. The world was just a place. It just meant I was living in it because I happened to be there. 

And then came A.

I never met A. Nor did we ever speak to each other. We didn't have much in common. We were born in different generations. A before the world war and me, more than half a century later. I was just beginning my life. He was in the twilight of his. But what we both were was simple - two lonely souls. Across the oceans. Like I've said before, we never spoke. We just wrote. Of birds, fireworks, flags, armies, aeroplanes, balloons, flowers, painting, music and a hope for peace. 

The wars, sunrise, prayer and why the earth was round. Little things and big things.
I soon began to smile again. The world was not a bad place after all. 

A was bringing me back together. I laughed too. We spoke of hillsides and the Grand Canyon. And trekking and star gazing. Everything seemed so interesting. I learnt to be more open and more happy. A was now my best friend. No conditions. No demands. Through thick and thin. 

Life was happy. And when it was not, A made it seem happier. 

Two summers later.

It was a while since I'd heard from A. It was monsoon now. But I still waited. And then the inevitable. A was gone. Forever. I got to know a month late. He was gone. Never coming back. 

The rains crashed over me. So did my spirit. I knew it had to happen some day. But I just wasn't prepared for when. I didn't even get a chance to write a goodbye. It was one thing we'd never written about. 

Grief is an overwhelming emotion. Specially when it comes all of a sudden. 

Dear A,

I hope where ever you are, all the pain is gone. I am trying to be fine. I wish you could come back. The custard apples are beginning to ripen you know. And it rains a lot. My mailbox now remains eternally empty. I miss you A. A lot. Now and forever. 

Just me,

Your princess.

14!

Time is one amazing thing isn't it? Teaches us so many things! As it moves on, we grow older. Add years to our age, more memories, more people, more highs and more lows.. But then again age is just a state of mind right? Some people just don't change. No matter how old they grow. Well change as in; their general way of looking at things.  And one of those kind of people is my sister.  She turns 14 tomorrow, and this is a poem for her.. : )

Smiling smiling Lahari,

Is always in a hurry.

She jumps before she thinks,

Often changes her mind in a wink!

She loves to play and have fun,

Bruises don't bother her, she's a brave one!

No matter where she is, she spreads cheer,

Today, tomorrow and all through the year!

We've fought over petty stuff,

Kicked and squabbled and been quite rough.

We laugh, we play, we eat and share,

Sing and dance and build castles in the air.

I can't think of more ways to say

You're special and will always remain that way.

So smiling smiling Lahari

Here's one last thing I want to say

You're finally 14, hooray!! 

Just never stop smiling come what may! 

Its not much of a great poem, but its from the bottom of my heart. 

 Happy Birthday Pincho : )! 

Looking for the shore

There's been much going on around me. A whole big world is moving on with its work. Is it just me so static? I haven't felt this wasted in ages. Hardly anything seems to be going my way. I have huge loads of study to do. Innumerable equations to be solved, pages of anatomy to be understood and so much more. I'm trying though. I'm sleeping less, cutting down on almost all recreation. Still doesn't seem enough. It wasn't supposed to be so hard. Or maybe its just me thinking it is. At one point, I thought that when people my age can do it, I should be able to too. Now I realise where I was wrong. Everyone's not the same. I can't be like everyone, nor can they be me. I think its just the way we look at the world. From my eyes, studying volumes is not the only thing that counts. Even for a short period of 2 years, its not the only thing to do. I haven't gone near the easel in ages. The veena is safely shut in its place. My blog hasn't seen new posts. In short, I haven't really had much of a life beyond shuttling between home and college. I've tried my best to accept the fact that this monotony will last another year and I just need to slog all through it. But you know what happens suddenly sometimes? You just feel like running away. Push everyone out. Build a cocoon in a corner far far away. Thats how I feel now. I don't know if I want this anymore. Wait. I do. I just don't know how to push myself further. I don't know where to start. What to do to make things right. But again, will it ever seem perfect? From time, I've learnt that if everything seems perfect, something is really wrong. So maybe that is just the way its supposed to be. Swim for survival. And keep swimming till you can finally reach the shore. And in the mean time, when the shore is still far out of sight, never. ever. lose hope. I guess that's all I need to do. Hope that I can reach the shore soon.  And believe in it.

At my table on the 6th of July. 

I don't know why but I feel good!

Its Tuesday evening. Definitely not a weekend. But after a long and hard day's work, it actually feels like a well earned day of bliss. I'm on the couch watching my favourite movies, nearly home alone ( my sleeping sis doesn't really count!) and I'm not eating junk. The last part gives me a sense of pride over my self control! To be honest, I don't really have much stuff in my head. Thats actually a very unusual thing, but i think i'm in a happy bubble. And I'm not yet ready to burst it. You know what? Its a bit weird. I mean its a good weird 'cause its never really been so silent around me or rather in my head. There's always a kind of low buzz of thoughts rushing in and out. Memories flying past and people's faces drifting by. I nearly half hoped that all of them would suddenly come rushing in the moment i finished typing this sentence. But seems like i'm wrong today. I think i'm starting to like it. Maybe this is what people call 'The Me' time. A time when nothing matters. The tigers, rain forests, the kids in Africa, the poor farmers in their villages and the protests in Egypt can wait. The world can wait. Its almost like time stops for a second and there's this fleeting moment of bliss when there's absolutely nothing. In simple words, not a care in the world. A nice break from thinking I have the whole world on my shoulders. Well, I'm going to be really random today. And I have no clue where my next sentence will take me. So i'm just going with the flow. If you've been in this kinda moment before or if you get to close to it anytime soon, you'll agree, it feels great. Great in the true sense of the word. I'm not worried about the million exams i will write all through the week. I don't want to think of college or the people associated with it there. They don't matter. Well I think there's a multitude of happier things to talk about. There are actually three happy things i want to talk about; which i'm sure will bring me back in my bubble of happiness anytime in forever. The first is a warm shower on a cold winter morning. Second, my favorite blanket over me every night. And the third, water when i'm really thirsty. Three extraordinarily ordinary things which give that you know 'i don't know why but i feel really good' emotion. Its exactly a warm, mushy, tingly feeling. Its this typical moment when all the tangled complexities of the world become unusually simple. Uncomplicated. The moment when every thing is possible. Including me winning the next marathon. In short I feel good. Very very good. And I just don't know why I do. 

On the couch on the 1st of February.

In between an examination

I dunno what the time is. Its been long though. I guess I've been sitting in this non descript classroom forever. If you've been compelled to write pages on a dry subject called E.V.E for 3 hours, probably you'd sympathize my plight. It is supposed to be the "Board of Intermediate Education" Public Exam on Environmental education. A hefty name for the really well i dunno what word to use but ya a kinda stupid exam. I'm just done with my paper; gone through all the formalities of filling up my details and blah, checked my answers and tied up my booklet. The examiner is sitting on the last bench busy making funny faces at the wall. Wonder why's he wearing a cap! I probably have the best seat in the whole classroom. And I'm truly grateful for it! Right in front of a window. There's some graffiti scrawled all over the glass pane and the noises from outside make me feel like i'm sitting on the main road. There's a motor drilling since the past million seconds, city buses honking their way to glory and motor vehicles in a race to win the next formula one! In short, everyone's busy minding their own business. The hawkers are selling their wares, the women at the roadside cafe are washing the dishes, the auto wallahs are looking for passengers and there's also a flag of some union fluttering lazily on the pole of a garish orange building. Its another busy Monday morning in the city. The scene in the classroom is hardly worth describing. Majority of the students are in eager anticipation of a signal from the examiner to dump their manuscripts and get out of the depressing building. A few are day dreaming idly.. probably of food and places without four walls. And there's also a small tricolor stuck on the black board, a marker of the republic day celebrations of last week. Ironically in a place infamous for curbing the right to express, right to freedom and right to practically everything. I now have this horrid feeling that if i don't get out of this place soon, i might rot. Decompose into nothingness. I actually don't get the point of even bothering to write this exam! I had to describe my favorite festival (which actually is very hard to pick among the hundred we celebrate every year!) and the environmental links and blah blah attached to it, an essay on globalization and agriculture, some random points on the ozone holes and how to harness wind energy. Stuff we've been reading. learning and writing for centuries! And everyone knew the paper anyways! It'd probably have been more fun if we had to demonstrate it i guess. Anyway, the exam once done is done. Chapter closed. And now I'm just sick of sitting here. Seems like an eternity just passed by. The next time you are forced to write an exam like this one which basically is a waste of paper, time and almost everything, remember to carry some polo. You at least have something to do. The whole act of eating some of it stealthily when the examiner is not looking and all is more interesting i suppose.

Oh wait! I guess it was the cue from the examiner to submit our papers. And thats also my cue to sign off now..

At a random exam hall on the 31'st of January.

Footsteps..

There suddenly come some points in our life which are just blind spots. Devoid of emotion, color and expression. We just get there. Somehow. Its a vague journey. It might actually be a while before we even got to realise that we were into it. And the initial time period when realisation kicks in is hard. Hard in the true sense of the word. Its true isn't it.. people always want the easier way out. Arrowheads and markers on the way and microwave popcorn. Though obviously there isn't anything wrong with it, it somehow is just too well i cant really get the right word, but its just all too easy. If it was a road like that with all travellers just following the arrows, probably my life would seem much more easier or rather a bit less tangled. Or maybe it would be one amazing adventure if there were just no arrows and milestones. Just figuring my way out in the wilderness. But my road is neither of them. Every inch of the road has a marker with an instruction. Every crossroad points a million directions. You may think that on such a road, I could be blind and even then reach my destination. I guess thats where both you and I are mistaken. Though i can't find a patch without a guiding arrow, its just a bit different from having none at all. Its weird. Maybe I just can't make any sense of it. Rather I don't want to make any sense out of it. We can't be told what to do every second. All of us need our fair share of space. No, I'm not all alone. There are many people along with me. Too many. And probably thats what makes it even more complicated. If you've been on a really long drive with all of your family and took a small detour and lost your way, and witnessed their simultaneous reactions, you'd kind of get the picture. Imagine thousands of voices screaming. We can't just remain a silent spectator. If we're to move ahead, we need to make ourself heard over the din. Roar. Its feels hopeless sometimes. Being unable to figure out instructions, sometimes managing to get half correct, the struggle to be heard and pave way to move ahead. Its seems very hard. And oh yes it is! Without a doubt. I can't really describe the experience. Its more of like trying to become a somebody from a nobody. A himalayan task! But I can tell you one thing. The moment we get past the helplessness and 'stuck in a maze with no way out' emotion, it feels better. Just by a minute degree or so. But still better than nothing at all. I can't really say that there's never sunshine. Being human, we all try to fit in wherever we are. Perhaps not completely, but well, as much as we can. So there is a bit of sunshine like i'd pointed above. Just sudden bursts of wind when the clouds clear and the world seems like paradise. But wind blows and moves on just like water and most things in life. So the gloom sets in ultimately. But when we spend so much time in a colourless place, we just tend to get used to it. And it just becomes a monotonous routine. Mundane and mechanical. But I'll tell you whats the best part of almost every journey? No matter how many ups and downs it has, or treacherous detours it has, it ends. Someday, sometime it will have to just end. But till we can't see the end, the only thing that we should never lose is hope. Never. At the moment I'm half way through my journey. I can't yet see the end. Its a long way ahead. But the haze is finally starting to clear. As for the million markers, i just learnt two things to do with them. Either be indifferent, or follow them. I often choose the former. Now you might be wondering why i chose that path. Well, that is one answer I just don't know. I just got there. Somehow. And since I'm here, I might as well make the most of my time. Maybe the end is waiting somewhere ahead. And that actually is a very cheerful thought. Enough incentive to work hard to move ahead today. 'Cause isn't it true.. 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a footstep'. And its all the footsteps together which finally take us to our destination.